Raydell finally gets the movie role of his dreams, but his wife Kayla doesn’t approve of all the kissing scenes.
This is the post roll (outro) for each episode.
Raydell finally gets the movie role of his dreams, but his wife Kayla doesn’t approve of all the kissing scenes.
This is the post roll (outro) for each episode.
FELICIA
Good. Alright Greco, light it up.
GRECO
Home of the Braves. "Smooches."
SFX: CLAP BOARD
FELICIA
And... action.
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
-----------------------------------------------------------
FADE IN:
INT. BRAVE'S KITCHEN - DAY (D1)
(DAVONNA, KAYLA, RAYDELL, TARRIN, TROY)
TROY, DAVONNA AND TARRIN ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH
DISGUSTING LOOKS ON THEIR FACES.
DAVONNA
This is disgusting.
TARRIN
It taste terrible.
TROY
I'm too old for this, Dad.
Seriously.
RAYDELL
Stop cryin'. Here's some candy to
kill the after-taste.
KAYLA ENTERS.
RAYDELL (cont'd)
Hey baby.
KAYLA
Hey baby. Hey kids.
THE KIDS LOOK UP WITH MEAN, SOUR-LOOKING FACES.
KAYLA
What's wrong with you guys?
DAVONNA
Daddy tied us up and made us take
caster oil.
KAYLA
What?
RAYDELL
They tried to run, Kayla.
DAVONNA
Castor Oil should to be illegal.
RAYDELL
But it ain't.
TROY
Taste like liquid death.
TARRIN
I think it scorched my throat.
RAYDELL
You kids stop complaining, I just
saved your lives. Castor oil is
the cure-all, kill anything,
medical breakthrough of the
century.
KAYLA
Why did you give these kids that
disgusting stuff?
RAYDELL
To cleanse their dirty little
systems out. You should have seen
them before they took it. Their
eyes were red and they were
fartin' all over the house. I knew
it was either ring worms or
constipation. Whatever it was,
it's gone now. Dead, defunct and
deceased. Caster oil claims
another victory, and still the
heavy weight champion of the
medicine world.
KAYLA
Maybe you should have tried
something nonlethal, like baking
soda.
RAYDELL
That old baby stuff is only a
temporary fix, caster oil will
keep you clean for years. It's the
same stuff my momma gave us when
we were kids. Used to tie us up
too, but I thank her for that now.
I admit, it's nasty as hell, but
it was for our own good. She gave
us the gift of life. Just look at
me now, healthy as a Thoroughbred.
Never needed glasses, braces or
orthopedic shoes. And my farts
smell like a bouquet of freshly
cut tulips.
FART
RAYDELL (cont'd)
Take a whiff of that.
DAVONNA
(disgusted)
Awe come on, Daddy.
TROY
I strongly disagree
TARRIN
My eyes are burning!
RAYDELL
Stop complaining and go to school.
KAYLA
Maybe you'd better go change your
draws.
INT. BRAVE'S KITCHEN - LATER (DAY 1)
(DAVONNA, KAYLA, RAYDELL, TARRIN, TROY)
KAYLA IS BUSY CLEARING THE TABLE WHEN RAYDELL ENTERS FROM
OUTSIDE.
RAYDELL
(chipper)
Hey, how's my baby doin'?
KAYLA
Good. Just trying to clean up a
bit.
RAYDELL
Stop cleaning for a minute will
you?
KAYLA STOPS WITH A CURIOUS LOOK ON HER FACE.
KAYLA
What's wrong?
RAYDELL
Today just may have been my last
day of ride-share driving.
KAYLA
You didn't hit anybody again, did
you?
RAYDELL
(excited)
No Kayla. I got the part.
KAYLA
What part?
RAYDELL
That secret agent movie I
auditioned for last month. They
want me to be the lead! I'm going
to be Dark Thunder!
KAYLA
(overjoyed)
That's great news! This is the one
you've been waiting for. I say go
for it.
RAYDELL
I'm glad you're so supportive and
so understanding.
KAYLA
Why wouldn't I be?
RAYDELL
Well you know, some women would be
kind of intimidated or jealous.
KAYLA
Why would I be jealous?
RAYDELL
You know, with me kissing all
theses women and--
KAYLA
Wait, wait, wait. What women are
you kissing?
RAYDELL
None yet, but it's a spy movie and
that's what spies do, kick ass and
kiss women.
KAYLA
On the lips?
RAYDELL
Yes Kayla, on the lips. I didn't
write the script nor am I
directing it. I just do what they
ask me to do. That's what I'm
getting paid for.
KAYLA
So these kisses, they're like
pecks, right?
RAYDELL
I'm afraid they're longer than a
smooch and more passionate than a
peck.
KAYLA
Well maybe this movie isn't for
you after all. Just tell them you
can't do it.
RAYDELL
What do you mean I can't do it? I
want to do it. I'm not too crazy
about kissing all these strange
women either, but it's a job,
which pays very well I might add.
KAYLA
I'm not comfortable with your lips
on another women's lips and
getting paid for it like some kind
of gigolo.
RAYDELL
But it doesn't mean anything baby.
It's just a job. Do you know how
lucky to get an offer like this?
If I don't take it, somebody else
will.
KAYLA GIVES HIM A MEAN LOOK.
KAYLA
I don't know about this. Can't
they get a stunt-kisser or
something?
RAYDELL
There are no stunt-kissers, baby.
KAYLA
What about stand-ins? I know they
have stand-ins for some of these
actors, don't lie.
RAYDELL
Yeah, they do, but for kissing? I
don't think they want to hire me
just to put a stand-in every time
I gotta kiss a woman.
KAYLA
Every time? How many times do you
have to kiss in this movie?
RAYDELL
More than once and less than
fifty.
KAYLA
These women, I bet they're young,
pretty and rich in silicon aren't
they?
RAYDELL
No. They're dirt-ugly saggy
seniors. Every last one of 'em.
KAYLA SHOOTS HIM A LOOK AS IF SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE HIM.
RAYDELL
Look Kayla, you're a smart and
successful woman, but I'm not
gonna lie to you, I married you
for your lips and your hips. You
are the most beautiful woman in
the world.
KAYLA SMILES AND GIVES HIM A HUG.
KAYLA
Now that, I can believe.
RAYDELL
Here, let me give you a massage.
KAYLA
So you can try and change my mind
about the movie roll?
RAYDELL
Yes.
KAYLA
It's worth a try.
KAYLA RELAXES ON THE BED WHILE RAYDELL STANDS BEHIND HER
GIVING HER A SHOULDER MASSAGE.
RAYDELL
How's that?
KAYLA
Mmmm. Feels good. Don't forget my
ears.
RAYDELL
Like this?
KAYLA
Yessss. Okay Ray, I understand
this acting thing is your dream,
so I'm not going to stand in your
way.
RAYDELL
So you're cool with me kissin' all
those women?
KAYLA
As long as everybody up there
knows I'm the queen bee, I'm luke
warm with it.
RAYDELL
Great. Don't worry, you always
have been and always will be my
one and only. Now please keep an
eye out for my script, it should
be here any day, so just--
KAYLA
Woe, woe, woe. What do you mean
the script should be here any...
(realizing)
Ohhh. You already signed the
contract didn't you?
RAYDELL
Yeah. I got all the paper work out
of the way, so now I just need
to...
CRUNCH
RAYDELL (cont'd)
Owe! Why'd you bite me?
KAYLA
Because you signed the contract
without talking to me first?
RAYDELL
Baby I'm sorry, but I had to move
on this. I really didn't have time
to lolly-gag around.
KAYLA
So picking up the phone and
calling me is lolly-gagging?
RAYDELL IS SPEECHLESS.
KAYLA
We're married. We're supposed to
be partners, but it looks like you
just want to be a one-man show,
don't you Mr. Raydell Superstar?
RAYDELL
Okay, maybe I should have called
you, maybe I did make the wrong
decision, but I signed an iron
clad contract, and if I break it
they will sue me like nobody's
business. I mean these boys play
hard ball. We could lose the
house.
HE LOOKS TO KAYLA FOR A REACTION. NONE.
RAYDELL
...Our cars.
LOOKS AT HER AGAIN. SHE'S STONE-FACED.
RAYDELL (cont'd)
No more manicures.
KAYLA FINALLY LOOKS UP, DEEPLY CONCERNED.
KAYLA
What? What did you just say?
RAYDELL
I said no more manicures.
KAYLA
You can't be serious.
RAYDELL
Oh yeah. We would definitely have
to eliminate manicures altogether
to help offset the law suit.
KAYLA
(weakening)
No.
RAYDELL
Not to mention cuticle cleaning.
Feet sluffing--
KAYLA
Okay, stop. Just stop!
RAYDELL
Believe me baby, I don't want you
to have to give up your manicures.
The last thing I want is to see
you walkin' around with jagged
nails and rugged feet.
KAYLA
Okay, okay, just take the part.
Just make sure you get it right on
the first take, you hear me?
RAYDELL
Loud and clear baby, loud and
clear.
TROY, DAVONNA AND TROY ENTER.
DAVONNA
Hey what's going on?
RAYDELL
Tell 'em the good news.
KAYLA
Your father got--
RAYDELL
I'm going to be Dark Thunder! I
got the part!
THE KIDS VERBALLY CELEBRATE.
TROY
That's great. This is what you've
been waiting for?
TARRIN
You're going to be a movie star?!
RAYDELL
That's right!
DAVONNA
I'm happy for you Daddy.
RAYDELL
Thanks. Opportunities like this
are few and far between. This
movie could put me right up there
with--
TARRIN
Austin Powers?
RAYDELL
Boy no. Austin Powers ain't no
real spy. He's a hippy with bad
teeth that cracks jokes through
the whole movie.
DAVONNA
What about Inspector Gadget?
RAYDELL
Davonna, no. Inspector Gadget's a
Saturday morning cartoon.
TARRIN
What about Undercover Brotha?
RAYDELL
Undercover Brother doesn't count,
Comedies don't count. Understand?
TARRIN
So who are some of your favorite
spy heroes?
RAYDELL
007. Jason Bourne. That Mission
Impossible guy.
TARRIN
Who are they?
RAYDELL
Some of the best spies in the
business. And some day, I want
people to look back and say, Dark
Thunder was a real spy, one of the
best.
DAVONNA
So if this movie does well,
they'll make a sequel?
RAYDELL GROWS A HUGE SMILE.
RAYDELL
Hey, that's right. And if that
does well, they may make more
sequels, and maybe even a TV
series. Action figures. Comic
books.
TARRIN
Lunch boxes!
RAYDELL
Board games.
DAVONNA
Bobble head dolls.
RAYDELL
There's no tellin' where this can
go. I may even have my own ice
cream some day, - "Dark Thunder
Chocolate."
TROY
Okay Dad, I think you're going too
far now.
RAYDELL
What? Don't ever step on a man's
dream, boy. Don't you know that
can get you hurt?
KAYLA
(to Raydell)
A package came for you. I put it
on the kitchen counter.
RAYDELL
(excited)
Must be the script. But you know
what? I'll read it later. Why
don't celebrate.
TROY
Now?
RAYDELL
Yeah. Why not? Who wants cake?
ALL THE KIDS CHEER.
TARRIN
What about ice cream?
RAYDELL
Of course, you can't have cake
without ice cream. Pick a flavor,
any flavor.
DAVONNA
Chocolate ice cream, and chocolate
cake.
RAYDELL
Look in the fridge.
TARRIN AND DAVONNA RUN AND OPEN THE FRIDGE.
TARRIN
It's already here!
RAYDELL
Surprise.
TROY
Let's eat!
INT. BRAVE'S KITCHEN - LATER (NIGHT 1)
(DAVONNA, KAYLA, RAYDELL, TARRIN)
THE ENTIRE FAMILY IS SITTING AT THE TABLE, FINISHING UP
THEIR LAST BIT OF CAKE AND ICE CREAM.
TARRIN
Chocolate ice cream and chocolate
cake, that was the perfect
combination for a fabulous
occasion.
RAYDELL
Thanks Tarrin. I agree, but don't
use the word "fabulous," okay.
Sounds soft.
TARRIN
Okay, but I am proud of you, Dad.
Now I know what I want to be when
I grow up.
RAYDELL
What's that?
TARRIN
I want to be a movie star like
you.
RAYDELL
(moved)
Really?
TARRIN
Yes, really.
RAYDELL
(teary eyed)
That's fabulous... I mean that's
great, Tarrin. I'm actually
touched.
TARRIN
I can't wait to tell my friends my
Daddy's, Dark Thunder!
RAYDELL
See kids, whenever you do your
best, it usually turns out good.
KAYLA
So tell us what happens in the
movie.
DAVONNA
Yeah, what kind of gadgets do you
have?
TARRIN
What kind of car are you going to
drive?
TROY
How many people do you get to
knock out?
RAYDELL
Hold on, slow down now. Everything
about this movie is on the hush.
I'm sorry, but nobody's supposed
to know anything about it until
they run the trailers.
DAVONNA
When is that going to be?
RAYDELL
In about thirteen months.
DAVONNA
Thirteen months? That's too long.
TARRIN
Yeah how am I supposed to brag to
my friends about it if I don't
even know what I'm bragging about?
RAYDELL
Just tell 'em your father's the
star of the movie, that should be
enough to make 'em jealous. But
other than that, you're just going
to have to wait like everybody
else.
TARRIN LOOKS VERY DISAPPOINTED.
KAYLA
Alright, bedtime everybody.
TARRIN
Good night.
DAVONNA
Thanks for the ice cream and cake.
That was delicious.
RAYDELL
You're welcome.
TARRIN
Can we have it for breakfast
tomorrow?
RAYDELL
Don't be silly boy, now go to bed.
THE KIDS EXIT.
KAYLA
That was great what you did. The
kids really enjoyed that.
RAYDELL
I can tell.
(looking around)
Look at this kitchen, chocolate
everywhere. Greedy little
gremlins.
RAYDELL NOTICES KAYLA STARING AT HIM.
RAYDELL (cont'd)
Why you looking at me like that? I
got chocolate on my chin?
KAYLA
You know, since you're going to be
portraying a hero on the big
screen, maybe you should start
working out a little.
RAYDELL TAKES A CLOSER LOOK AT HIS BODY.
RAYDELL
You're right. That dang ice cream
went straight to my hips.
INT. BRAVE'S KITCHEN - LATER (NIGHT 1)
KAYLA
Thanks for helping me with the
dishes. You're on top of the
world, aren't you?
RAYDELL
Yes I am. And in a few minutes I
wanna be--
DOORBELL RING
KAYLA
I wonder who that is.
RAYDELL
(frustrated)
I'll get it.
RAYDELL ANSWERS THE DOOR. IT'S BARRY, VITO AND RAYDELL'S
AGENT, JERRY....
BARRY
Hey, Ray. Hey Kayla.
KAYLA
Hey Barry. Vito. Jerry.
JERRY
Hope it's not too late to
celebrate.
KAYLA
No, come on in.
THE GUYS ENTER.
BARRY
Heard about the good news, son.
Congratulations.
RAYDELL
Thanks Dad.
VITO
I can't believe I have a superstar
for a best friend.
RAYDELL
We never confirmed the best
friend--
JERRY
We did it Ray!
KAYLA
I'm going to bed. Try to keep the
noise down, alright guys?
RAYDELL
You got it.
BARRY
Good night, Kay.
KAYLA
Good night Barry. Everybody.
GUYS
Good night.
VITO
To the garage!
RAYDELL
Shhh.
INT. BRAVE'S GARAGE - NIGHT (NIGHT 1)
(BARRY, VITO, JERRY, RAYDELL)
VITO, BARRY AND RAYDELL'S AGENT, JERRY ARE DRINKING AND
EATING. THIS IS DEFINITELY A CELEBRATION.
JERRY
A toast...
THEY ALL RAISE THEIR GLASSES.
JERRY (cont'd)
...to Raydell and his new movie.
VITO
May he have much success...
BARRY
...and great big box office
receipts.
THEY ALL LAUGH LOUDLY.
RAYDELL
Thanks, now keep it down. If you
wake up Kayla, the party's over.
VITO
Yeah, keep it quiet you guys.
RAYDELL
I gotta hand it to you Jerry, you
closed a heck of a deal for me on
this one.
JERRY
Well hey, that's my job, right?
Closing deals for my main man,
Raydell.
RAYDELL
I knew it was just a matter of
time before I got my big break.
Three years to be exact, but I
never panicked, never sweated. I
just stayed calm and waited for my
time. It's true what they say you
know, "Patients is a virtue." Plus
I knew I had Jerry in my corner.
JERRY
I make the deals, you make the
money.
THEY ALL LAUGH.
RAYDELL
Come on Jerry, you know you're
pocket's gonna bulge a bit too
after this.
JERRY
True, true. This will definitely
get me some chicks.
(embarrassed)
...I mean, not that I'm not
getting any chicks now. It's just
that I'll be getting more
chicks... with my bulging pockets.
It's like a babe booster. It
helps. Know what I mean?
RAYDELL
Yes, okay Jerry.
VITO
So when do you start shooting?
JERRY
After all the other pieces are in
place, like the director, line
producer, cinematographer, all
those guys who get a check for
doing nothing.
RAYDELL
Then we come in and do our thing.
That's when the real work begins.
BARRY
Is this movie gonna be better than
Undercover Brotha?
RAYDELL
Man come on. Dark Thunder is a
serious spy movie, don't compare
it to some comedy, compare it to a
classic, like Gold Finger, or The
spy who loved me, or...
VITO
The Revenge of the Pink Panther?
THEY ALL LAUGH.
JERRY
Hey, why don't I take a picture of
you holding the script?
RAYDELL
Yeah, why not?
RAY GRABS THE PACKAGE AND OPENS IT.
JERRY
You haven't opened the script yet?
RAYDELL
Don't worry, I'll go through it
first thing in the morning.
VITO
Let me know if you need help with
your lines.
RAYDELL
Thanks Vito.
RAYDELL TAKES THE SCRIPT OUT OF THE PACKAGE.
RAYDELL (cont'd)
Alright, make me look good, Jerry.
JERRY
That is not my job, Ray. Not my
job.
CAMERA CLICK
INT. DINING ROOM - NIGHT (NIGHT 1)
ALL IS DARK AND QUIET. TARRIN SNEAKS AROUND SHINING HIS
FLASHLIGHT, SEARCHING.
TARRIN
I gotta find that script.
AFTER A FEW MORE MINUTES OF SEARCHING, TARRIN FINALLY FINDS
WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR.
TARRIN (cont'd)
Ah. There it is.
TARRIN PICKS UP THE SCRIPT.
TARRIN (cont'd)
Dark Thunder, the movie.
INT. BRAVE'S GARAGE - DAY (DAY 2)
(DAVONNA, RAYDELL, TARRIN, TROY)
TROY AND DAVONNA LISTEN TO TARRIN AS HE TRIES TO EXPLAIN.
DAVONNA
Look little boy, if you're making
this up to get attention, I'm
gonna--
TARRIN
I didn't want to believe it
either, but it's true. I saw it
with my own two eyes.
TROY
You mean four. And you still can't
see too good, Bat Boy.
TARRIN
I'll have you know, my glasses are
custom designed for optimal
performance. I can see fifty
fifty, no problem.
DAVONNA
I can see better than that
underwater.
TARRIN
I know what I read, okay?
DAVONNA AND TARRIN BEGIN TO ARGUE.
TROY
You sure you weren't having
another one of your weird dreams
again?
TARRIN
No, I was wide awake. It's sitting
right there on the dining room
table--
RAYDELL OPENS THE GARAGE DOOR LEADING INTO THE HOUSE.
RAYDELL
What are you guys doing out here
in the garage?
DAVONNA
Nothing.
TROY
We were just talking.
RAYDELL
Why you starin' at me like that? I
got a booger hangin' from my nose
or something?
TARRIN
No.
THE KIDS CONTINUE TO STARE.
RAYDELL
Why your pupils all dilated?
(sniffs the air)
Yawl ain't been sniffin' glue in
here have you?
DAVONNA
No.
RAYDELL
Alright, time for breakfast.
Everybody in the kitchen. And make
sure you wash your little dirty
hands.
INT. BRAVE'S KITCHEN - DAY (DAY 2)
(DAVONNA, KAYLA, RAYDELL, TARRIN, TROY)
THE ENTIRE FAMILY CHOWS DOWN ON BREAKFAST.
KAYLA
You think we can come down and
visit you on the set sometime?
THE KIDS LOOK AT EACH OTHER RATHER NERVOUSLY AS THOUGH THEY
WOULD RATHER NOT GO.
RAYDELL
What about school?
TARRIN
(nervous)
Yeah... school. Too bad we have to
go school.
KAYLA
It's just for one day. And
besides, it would be a great
learning experience for Tarrin. He
wants to learn from his father.
TARRIN LOOKS KIND OF NERVOUS.
RAYDELL
(blushing)
Sure. I don't see why not.
TROY
...I don't think I can get out of
class.
RAYDELL
Don't worry about it. I'll write
you a note. I'm telling you, you
guys are the greatest. This is
what makes a father proud, support
from his family.
DAVONNA LOOKS AT TARRIN THEN TURNS TO RAYDELL.
TARRIN
So you're sure you wanna do this
part?
RAYDELL
What kind of question is that?
I've been waiting on a roll like
this all my life.
DAVONNA
(concerned)
So you're still going through with
it?
RAYDELL
What's wrong with yawl, you got
chocolate in your ears? Why
wouldn't I do the part?
TARRIN
Because you have to--
TROY
(covering up)
Because you have to do your own
stunts.
RAYDELL
I don't have to do my own stunts.
Who said I had to do my own
stunts?
DAVONNA
Nobody.
RAYDELL
Okay, what's wrong with you kids?
Why you looking at me like that?
What's the problem?
DAVONNA
Nothing.
RAYDELL
Don't tell me it's nothing, it's
obviously something. Now what is
it?
TARRIN
It's just that...
TROY
...We're star struck.
RAYDELL
Star struck? Look, I appreciate
the interview and the attention,
but this is a bit much. All this
starin' and carryin' on is making
me uncomfortable.
KAYLA
Kids, stop staring at your father
and eat your waffles.
RAYDELL
Thank you baby.
(to kids)
Let's just talk about something
else.
KAYLA
Okay. Sure. Kids, no more talk
about the movie for now, alright?
DAVONNA
Yeah.
TARRIN
Okay.
TROY
Sure. Sorry Dad.
EVERYONE EATS IN SILENCE... LONG UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.
THEN...
RAYDELL
You know this movie could gross
twenty million the opening
weekend.
INT. BRAVE'S GARAGE - DAY (DAY 2)
RAYDELL PICKS UP HIS SCRIPT.
RAYDELL
Alright. Time to read the script.
RAYDELL BEGINS TO READ HIS SCRIPT.
RAYDELL
(reading the
title)
"Dark Thunder"
(to himself)
That's me. Secret agent, super
spy.
HE THUMBS THROUGH A FEW PAGES THEN CONTINUES READING THE
SCRIPT. HE SEEMS TO BE ENJOYING IT FOR A MOMENT, BUT HIS
SMILE SLOWLY TURNS INTO A FROWN.
RAYDELL (cont'd)
What the...?
(reads some more)
What the...?
RAYDELL FRANTICALLY TURNS THE PAGES AS HE READS ON.
RAYDELL (cont'd)
What the...?!
INT. BRAVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (NIGHT 2)
RAYDELL AND KAYLA ARE GETTING DRESSED FOR BED.
RAYDELL
You look really nice tonight.
Those new rollers?
KAYLA
No, I've had these same rollers
for years.
RAYDELL
Well come on to bed.
KAYLA
So you get a chance to read
through the whole script?
RAYDELL
(confused)
No... Yeah... You know what? I
think you were right.
KAYLA
I know I was.
(not sure)
About what?
RAYDELL
This movie roll. I don't think
that secret agent part is right
for me after all.
KAYLA
What? This is the roll you've been
waiting for. You're the star,
you're the hero. This is all
you've been talking about.
RAYDELL
I know, but after I read it
again... whoever re-wrote the
script did a lousy job. Besides, I
just don't feel right kissing
another woman. I know may not get
another offer like this again, but
I don't care, I can't stand the
fact that you're not comfortable
with it.
KAYLA
I said I was behind you on this,
so just do the part and stop
worrying about me. I'm fine.
RAYDELL
You mouth says yes, but your eyes
say no. I don't want this movie to
come between us baby. Projects
like this have broken up many a
couples before, and I don't want
to become another statistic.
KAYLA
I finally agree to go along with
this whole movie deal and now it
looks like you're trying to squirm
out of it.
RAYDELL
I'm not trying to squirm out of
it.
KAYLA
You can't back out now anyway, you
already signed that iron clad
contract, remember?
RAYDELL
Yeah, I remember, I also just
remembered I have an agent to get
me out of situations like this.
I'm callin' Jerry first thing in
the morning.
KAYLA
Why couldn't you do this when I
wanted you off the film?
RAYDELL
(lost of words)
...I just remembered.
KAYLA
(upset)
Good night Ray.
INT. BRAVE'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT (NIGHT 2)
IT'S DARK AND QUIET. A FIGURE DRESSED IN BLACK, SLEEKS
ABOUT QUIETLY WITH A FLASHLIGHT SHINING, SEARCHING.
KAYLA
(whispering to
herself)
Now where's that script?
(beat)
Ahh, there it is.
SHE PICKS UP THE SCRIPT.
KAYLA
(to herself)
Now, let's see why Mr. Braves
doesn't want to do this movie all
of a sudden.
INT. BRAVE'S GARAGE - DAY (DAY 3)
RAYDELL IS HOLDING A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE WHILE TALKING ON
HIS CELL PHONE.
RAYDELL
Hey Jerry, it's Ray,
(pause to listen)
Not too good right now. Look, did
you read the script?
(pause to listen)
Well read page forty-five.
(pause to listen)
Yeah, you see that? Is that crazy
or am I crazy?
(pause to listen)
Well I'm not doing that.
(pause to listen)
What do you mean you can't get me
out?
(pause to listen)
Jerry, you gotta get me out.
(pause to listen)
Yeah, but come on man--
(pause to listen)
Yeah I know they can sue me but--
(pause to listen)
I understand all that, but--
(pause to listen)
Alright.
(pause to listen)
Sure. Later Jerry.
RAYDELL HANGS THE PHONE UP. HE WIPES THE SWEAT FROM HIS
BROW THEN EXITS THE GARAGE.
INT. BRAVE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY (DAY 3)
KAYLA AND THE KIDS ARE WATCHING TV. RAYDELL ENTERS.
RAYDELL
(to Kayla)
I just got off the phone with
Jerry, he says he can't get me out
the contract.
KAYLA
(fake sympathy)
Oh, that's too bad. Well "heyyyy,"
kissing a horse on the lips isn't
as bad as kissing a paycheck good
bye, right?
RAYDELL'S MOUTH IS WIDE OPEN IN SHOCK.
RAYDELL
You mean you knew?
KAYLA
That's right sugar lips. Now
pucker up and learn your lines.
EVERYONE LAUGHS EXCEPT RAYDELL.
RAYDELL
It ain't funny. How'd you guys
find out before me?
KAYLA
I read the script last night.
TARRIN
Me too. Can I change schools now?
Soon as the word gets out, my
father's a horse-kisser, I'm dead.
RAYDELL
Boy you'd better watch your!...
RAYDELL REACHES FOR TARRIN BUT HE RUNS OUT OF REACH.
RAYDELL (cont'd)
Come here boy!
KAYLA
Raydell, leave him alone.
DAVONNA
So you're going to do it, Daddy?
RAYDELL
I guess so. But only 'cause I have
to.
KAYLA
Stop whining. It's not even a real
kiss it's just a little smooch.
TROY
Why do you have to kiss a horse?
RAYDELL
I don't know and I certainly don't
agree with it, but its in the
script and I can't change it.
DAVONNA
Why not?
RAYDELL
Because I'm not Denzel, I don't
have that kind of star-power.
TARRIN
Why can't you just call in sick?
RAYDELL
That may work at your regular nine
to-five, but that doesn't cut it
in Hollywood. Theses guys don't
care if your spitting up blood and
your spleen is hanging out. You
can die after you do your part,
not before.
KAYLA
See. That's what you get for
trying to be slick.
A LIGHT COMES ON IN RAYDELL'S HEAD
RAYDELL
(to himself)
Hold on one darn minute. If they
want to play hard ball, let's
play. They're about to realize
that ole Ray is a major leaguer.
RAYDELL TAKES A SWING WITH A MAKE BELIEVE BAT...
SFX. BAT HITTING BALL
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY (DAY 4)
A NURSE TENDS TO RAYDELL AS HE LAYS IN BED WITH HIS UPPER
TORSO IN A CAST.
RAYDELL
Owe! How long do I have to stay in
the body cast, nurse?
NURSE
That's up to the doctor. But at
least a week.
RAYDELL
A week?
KAYLA ENTERS.
KAYLA
Raydell.
RAYDELL
Kayla. Woman am I glad to see you.
KAYLA
(slight panic)
My god. What happened?
RAYDELL
I got hit by a car. Hit and run.
KAYLA
Did you get the license number?
The make, model, color of the car?
NURSE
I'll be back to check on you
later. Press the call button if
you need me.
RAYDELL
(to nurse)
Thank you. You're an angel.
THE NURSE EXITS.
KAYLA
When I find out who did this,
they're gonna wish they never--
RAYDELL
(whispering)
Shhh. I didn't really get hit by a
car.
KAYLA
Then what happened?
RAYDELL
I'm getting out of that contract,
that's what's happening.
KAYLA
You mean you...? So none of this
is real?
KAYLA KNOCKS ON THE CAST.
RAYDELL
Owe! Yes. The cast and the pain is
real, very real. Where's my bad
ass kids?
KAYLA
They're in the hallway.
RAYDELL
Well send in the clowns. Let 'em
come in.
KAYLA OPENS THE DOOR AND WAVES THE KIDS IN.
KAYLA
Come on. He's awake.
TROY, DAVONNA AND TARRIN ENTER.
TARRIN
Woe, cool. A body cast.
TROY
What happened?
RAYDELL
I got hit by a car.
DAVONNA
Does it hurt?
RAYDELL
You bet your sweet candy it hurts.
These dancing beads of sweat on my
forehead aren't there because I'm
hungry. It hurts like the devil.
Looks like I won't be able to do
that movie after all. I am totally
incapacitated.
TROY
If you're constipated then maybe
you should takes some caster oil.
KAYLA
Not constipated, incapacitated.
That means he can't move.
DAVONNA, TARRIN AND DAVONNA SMILE AT EACH OTHER DEVILISHLY.
TARRIN
(up to no-good)
Oh really?
RAYDELL
What are you kids smilin' like
that for?
DAVONNA
(to Raydell)
You know, you don't look too good,
Daddy.
TROY
Yeah, you look kind of backed up.
TARRIN
And your eyes are all red.
RAYDELL
(scared)
Kayla, would you please get these
kids away from me? Call security
if you have to.
KAYLA
I'm going to have to make a run.
RAYDELL
What do you mean, run? What are
you doing with my wallet?
KAYLA
Now that you've saved us from that
terrible law suit, I think I'll
head down to the mall to do a
little shopping.
KAYLA FLASHES A CREDIT CARD.
RAYDELL
Wait a minute. That's my credit
card.
KAYLA
Alright kids, I'll be in the
hallway when you're done.
KAYLA BEGINS TO EXIT THE ROOM.
RAYDELL
(desperate)
Done. What do you mean done? Wait
Kayla, don't leave me! I'm sorry.
Really, I've learned my lesson!
KAYLA IGNORES HIM AS SHE EXITS THE ROOM SMILING.
DAVONNA
Don't worry, Daddy. We're going to
take care of you.
TARRIN
Just like you took care of us.
TROY HOLDS UP A BOTTLE.
TROY
Look what we brought.
RAYDELL
(scared)
What's that?
DAVONNA
It's the cure-all...
TARRIN
...kill anything...
TROY
...medical breakthrough of the
century.
RAYDELL'S EYES GROW LIKE GRAPEFRUIT.
RAYDELL
No. No! Nurse!!
INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER (DAY 4)
RAYDELL IS LAYING IN BED LOOKING NAUSEOUS. HE HAS A BUCKET
NEXT TO HIM IN CASE HE NEEDS TO THROW UP. JERRY STANDS
NEARBY.
JERRY
So what the heck happened to you,
big guy?
RAYDELL
I got mugged last night. Cracked
my ribs.
JERRY
Your wife told me you got hit by a
car.
RAYDELL
I don't remember what I said. They
had me on some kind of medication
that made me light-headed. Heck, I
might have said anything. But I
did get mugged.
JERRY
After the party?
RAYDELL
...Yeah. After the party I went
for a walk. That's when they
jumped out and mugged me. Four or
five big dudes. Right down the
street from my house.
JERRY
(doubting look)
Sorry to hear that.
(notices the
bucket)
So the medication they gave you
makes you nauseous?
RAYDELL
Yeah.
(sounding
nauseous)
Quick. The bucket. Put it under my
chin.
JERRY GRABS THE BUCKET AND PUTS IT UNDER RAYDELL'S CHIN.
RAYDELL DOES SOME HACKING, GAGGING AND HEAVING, BUT NEVER
THROWS UP. IN THE DOORWAY WE CAN SEE THE KIDS LAUGHING.
RAYDELL
Never mind. False alarm.
JERRY
Thank god. Man, you sound like you
just died.
RAYDELL
Feels like it too.
JERRY PUTS THE BUCKET DOWN.
JERRY
Well I hope they catch those guys.
You did file a police report,
didn't you?
RAYDELL
For what? I told you it was dark.
I can't make a positive I.D. on
anybody. Owe, my back.
JERRY
I thought you said it was your
ribs.
RAYDELL
Ribs, back, toes, everything
hurts.
JERRY LOOKS VERY SUSPICIOUS.
JERRY
You didn't injure yourself on
purpose, did you, buddy?
RAYDELL
Come on now Jerry. I'm shocked,
appalled and deeply offended. Why
would I do bodily harm to myself
like this?
JERRY
Well, just the other day you were
pleading and begging me to get you
out of that contract, and now I
see you laid up in a body cast.
And on top of that you didn't file
a police report.
RAYDELL
Look Jerry, this was a real
mugging by professional muggers,
now give me the contract so I can
sign out.
JERRY
(reluctant)
Okay. You got it.
JERRY OPENS HIS BRIEF CASE AND PULLS OUT SOME DOCUMENTS AND
A PEN. HE HANDS THEM TO RAYDELL.
JERRY
Here. Just sign the best you can
where the "Xs" are.
RAYDELL
Owe. Owe.
JERRY TURNS THE PAGES FOR RAYDELL AS HE SIGNS THE
DOCUMENTS. HE FINALLY SIGNS THE LAST ONE.
RAYDELL (cont'd)
Owe! That's it?
JERRY
That's it. You're out.
(sad to himself)
Good-bye ten percent.
RAYDELL LOOKS REMORSEFUL.
RAYDELL
Look Jerry, I'm sorry things
didn't work out for you, but I'm
not kissin' no horse on the lips.
JERRY
This is the twenty-first century.
Frankly, I don't see what the big
deal is, lips are lips. If you
closed your eyes I bet you
couldn't even tell the difference.
JERRY LAUGHS.
RAYDELL
Then you kiss it.
JERRY
Well, they're your lips and your
decision, I guess I have to
respect that.
RAYDELL
Thank you. Now you think you could
rub my feet. They're starting to
tingle. Either I have super spidey
senses or very bad circulation.
JERRY
...Ahhh... Your feet are purple.
RAYDELL
Come on Jerry. Please help me out
here.
JERRY
Okay, but just for a little while.
JERRY IS A BIT HESITANT BUT BEGINS TO RUB ONE OF RAYDELL'S
FEET ANYWAY.
RAYDELL
Woe, woe. Easy man. Rub 'em, not
sluff 'em.
JERRY'S CELL PHONE RINGS.
JERRY
Let me take this call.
JERRY ANSWERS THE PHONE AS HE CONTINUES TO RUB RAYDELL'S
FOOT.
JERRY (cont'd)
(into phone)
Hello?
(pause to listen)
Hey Dean, what's up?.
(pause to listen)
Yes, I'm at the hospital right
now, rubbing his left foot.
RAYDELL
Who's that?
JERRY
(whispers to
Raydell)
It's Dean Coen from the studio.
(into phone)
No, I'm sure. There's absolutely
no way he can do the part. His
ribs are cracked and he's in a
body cast. He just signed the
papers a few minutes ago.
(pause to listen)
Yeah look, I'm real sorry this
didn't work out--
(pause to listen)
What do you mean good?
(pause to listen)
Are you kidding me?
RAYDELL
What'd they say?
JERRY
(to Raydell)
They said they already found
somebody to replace you.
RAYDELL
(not caring)
Good. Now can you get my other
foot? I'm tingling like the Green
Goblin is about to attack.
JERRY, STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE, BEGINS TO RUB RAYDELL'S
OTHER FOOT.
JERRY
(into phone)
So who do you have to replace him?
(pause to listen)
You're kidding, right?
(pause to listen)
Your not kidding?
KAYLA COMES IN AND SEES JERRY RUBBING RAYDELL'S FEET.
KAYLA
Hey baby.
RAYDELL
Hey Kay.
JERRY
(into phone)
Wow, congratulations.
(pause to listen)
Yeah, I'm sorry sorrier than you
are let me tell ya. But thanks for
the update.
(pause to listen)
Yeah, maybe next time, huh?
(pause to listen)
Alright. good luck on the project.
(pause to listen)
Alright bye..
JERRY HANGS UP HIS CELL PHONE.
JERRY
Hey Kayla. How you doing?
KAYLA
I'm good.
JERRY
(to Raydell)
Hey Ray, guess who your
replacement is.
RAYDELL
I don't care, just keep rubbing.
JERRY
Denzel.
RAYDELL
(stunned)
Not Denzel Washington.
JERRY
Yes, Denzel Washington.
RAYDELL
You jivin', right?
JERRY
I am not jiving. He read the
script and loved it.
RAYDELL
Does he know about the horse?
JERRY
Yes, he knows. Can you believe
with all his star power he doesn't
want to change a thing? He says
it's a great script and a
formidable challenge. Now that's a
true professional.
RAYDELL
So am I. I changed my mind. I
wanna be Dark Thunder! That's my
part!
KAYLA WALKS OVER TO COMFORT RAYDELL.
KAYLA
Easy baby. You don't want the
nurse to come in here and give you
another enema, do you?
JERRY
Even if that was a fake body cast,
it's too late. You already signed
the papers.
RAYDELL
A fake body cast? Dang, why didn't
I think of that? Well I've learned
some very valuable lessons through
all this.
KAYLA
Oh you have? Like what?
RAYDELL
Lesson number One; You should
always be honest with your spouse.
Number two; Never hire a complete
stranger to do you bodily harm.
And number three; Never tie your
kids up and force-feed 'em caster
oil.
FADE OUT:
END OF SHOW