Kayla wants to cut meat from their diet, Raydell is not happy with this idea.
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Alright Greco, light it up!
Home of the Braves. "Fat chance."
SFX: CLAP BOARD
THEME MUSIC PLAYS
INT. RAYDELL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (DAY 1)
KAYLA IS SITTING IN BED READING A BOOK. RAYDELL ENTERS FROM
Hey, you're not asleep yet?
No, I'm still reading.
You've had your nose in that book
all night. What is that?
"Fifty ways to kill cholesterol."
It's a health book.
I've read that one. The chef did
RAYDELL CLIMES INTO BED.
This book lists all the benefits
of eating healthy. When you eat
right, you feel right. You have
Okay, I see where your going with
this. So what do you want me to
do, drink more water or something?
Eight glasses a week right?
That's eight glasses a day,
No way. If I did that I wouldn't
have room for beer.
Alcohol is definitely no good,
neither is beef. I think we both
should take our eating habits more
seriously. Especially you.
What do you mean, especially me?
You have to admit, you're more
than a little pudgy.
You're an ex semi-pro body
builder, so everybody's a little
pudgy to you.
Did you know that heart disease is
the number one health problem in
this country? Meat is the primary
Wait a minute now, Kayla. I can
take your body-shaming me, but
don't you dare go blaming meat.
That, I will not tolerate.
It's in the book. Listen to this.
"Not only is meat difficult to
digest, but meat often contain
dangerous amounts of toxins."
See. Every time we eat this stuff
we're killing ourselves.
I'm okay with that. I like being
in control of my own fate.
Every piece of meat we eat takes a
day off our lives. So for now on
I'm going to make nice healthy
meals for us.
RAYDELL GRITS HIS TEETH, TRYING TO HIDE HIS ANGER.
I just think you had a bad day and
now you're taking it out on me.
I'm not the enemy, Kayla. But if
you want to make it up to me, you
can give me a nice back massage
and we'll forget this conversation
KAYLA JUST LOOKS AT HIM.
Or, I can just shut my big
handsome eyes and go to sleep.
INT. BRAVE'S KITCHEN - MORNING (DAY 2)
Morning, Ray. How'd you sleep?
Not good. I had this horrible
dream where we stopped eating
meat. We grew long rabbit-like
ears, and our front teeth were way
RAYDELL MIMES BUCK TEETH.
Come on Ray, you have to admit,
PATTING HIS BELLY
We do need to change our eating
Alright, so I'm a little hefty.
What do you want me to do, build a
No, but I think we need to take
meat completely out of our diet.
Woe, wait a minute. What do you
mean completely? I mean I could
go into shock if I don't get a
burger with my fries.
Stop worrying, you'll thank me
I seriously don't think so.
This book has recipes for all
kinds of wonderful dishes, you
won't be a flesh-eater for long.
Flesh-eater? Now you're sounding
like one of those crazy
vegetarians. Hey, why don't we
just join a gym? We'll be in shape
in no time.
That's a great idea, Ray.
There's a brand new one that just
opened near the office. I'll go
look up the phone number now.
RAYDELL HEADS FOR THE PHONE BOOK.
You do know what a work-out is,
don't you, Ray?
What kind of question is that? Of
course I know what a work-out is.
We soak in the sauna and hang out
in the Jacuzzi.
What about weights? Aerobics? Kick
Yeah, sure, of course. I love that
You're not fooling me, Raydell. I
remember the last time we joined a
gym, you fell asleep in the locker
That was a long time ago. I'm
Yes, you're bigger now. A lot
That's why I'll be even more
committed this time around.
Okay, we can try the gym again,
but we still need to change our
Come on Kayla, stop playing
around. This is all some kind of
sick joke your playing on me,
I'm not joking. What's more
important than our health?
Come on, we're still alive, we
must be doing something right.
What do you say we burn that book
and just stick with our regular
That book was a present, I'm not
throwing it away.
A present from who? Who would give
someone a present like this?
I got it from Vito.
That little homewrecker.
INT. VITO'S LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON (DAY 2)
(RAYDELL, VITO, HEIDI)
VITO IS ON THE SOFA TRYING TO GET ROMANTIC WITH HIS DATE,
HEIDI. A VERY THIN, HOMELY-LOOKING WOMAN DRESSED IN SOME
HIPPY-TYPE CLOTHING. THEY ATTEMPT TO KISS.
I really like you Vito.
I really like you too. Is it
alright if I kiss you?
Just ignore it, they'll go away.
THEY ATTEMPT TO KISS AGAIN.
Maybe you'd better get it. It
might be important.
More important than this?
Alright alright. I'll get it.
This building better be on fire.
You mind if I use your little
girl's room so I can freshen up?
If you were any fresher you'd be a
THEY BOTH GIVE A GOOFY LAUGH.
Oh Vito, you're the cutest.
HEIDI HEADS TO THE BATHROOM. VITO OPENS HIS FRONT DOOR.
Hey Raydell. What's up? I'm kind
of busy, if you know what I mean.
What are you trying to do?
Score, if you know what I mean.
RAYDELL LOOKS OVER VITO'S SHOULDER.
Let me give you a hint, you need a
partner, if you know what I mean.
She's in the bathroom. She'll be
out any minute so I'll talk to you
VITO TRIES TO CLOSE THE DOOR.
First you try to ruin my marriage
and now you're trying to smash my
foot in the door?
What are you talking about, ruin
your marriage? What did I do?
You know what I'm talking about.
That book you bought for Kayla.
That crazy, evil, meat-hater's
Oh, you mean Fifty ways to kill
cholesterol. That book's on the
That's exactly where it belongs,
in the cellar. That book is not
for people like you and me, it's
for tree-hugging cud-chewing
HEIDI ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM.
This is Heidi. Heidi, this is my
neighbor and friend, Raydell.
Hello hippie-- I mean Heidi.
RAYDELL LOOKS AT HER STRANGELY.
She's a vegetarian.
Get out of here.
So what are you doing hanging out
with this carnivore?
What is he talking about? You told
I am not a meat eater. I'm not. I
used to be, but not anymore. Those
days are behind me. Just hearing
that word, "meat" makes me
Nauseous, huh? You didn't say that
when you were chomping down on
that rump roast the other day.
Pay him no mind, he's a very heavy
drinker. He just came over to
borrow some more liquor money.
VITO DIGS INTO HIS POCKET AND HANDS RAYDELL A FEW DOLLARS.
Here's five dollars. But this is
the last time. Now be on your way.
(pushing Ray out
And get a job!
VITO CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND RAYDELL.
INT. BRAVE'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING (DAY 3)
RAYDELL ENTERS HOME FROM WORK.
Hey honey, I'm home!
I'm in the kitchen!
RAYDELL ENTERS THE KITCHEN. KAYLA IS COOKING DINNER. HIS
MOTHER-IN-LAW, NADINE, IS SITTING AT THE TABLE.
Oh, hey Nadine.
Hey Ray. How was work?
Not bad if you don't count the guy
that got sick near the plotter.
Printing is a tough business.
You know it's temporary until I
get my acting career off the
Yes Ray. I know.
Hey, I'm trying out one of these
new dinner recipes from my book.
Tonight? I thought you meant in
the future, you know, like a new
Just relax, you'll enjoy it.
Don't worry, she tricked me too.
Oh yeah, I invited Vito, he's
bringing a date.
Vito? What'd you invite him for?
He's our friend. Besides, he's the
one who gave me the book. I want
him to reap his reward.
Answer the door, would you?
RAYDELL GOES AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR.
Hey Raydell. I hope you're not
Just go sit down in the dining
room. I'm going to go wash my
hands. Be right back.
INT. BRAVES' DINING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER
RAYDELL, VITO AND HEIDI ENTER.
Hey Kayla. Thanks for inviting us
over for dinner. This is my date,
Greetings, Mrs. Braves.
Just call me Kayla.
Okay, greetings, Kayla.
This is my mother, Nadine.
Well let's get this over with.
Smells good, like chicken.
(looks at Heidi)
ahhh... not that I ever would
consume that fowl-tasting bird.
Don't worry, there's no chicken
Oh good. I guess I can put these
HEIDI PUTS HER RAW CARROTS BACK INTO HER PURSE.
Kayla read this vegetarian book on
how to eat healthy, and for some
crazy reason, meat is not on the
Which book was that?
Fifty Ways to Kill Cholesterol.
By Doctor J. L. Watkins?
That's right. You read it?
Yes, I bought Vito that same book.
Well, Vito was the one who--
VITO IS MOTIONING TO KAYLA NOT TO SAY ANYTHING.
...told me that it was such a good
book, so I rushed out and bought
one for myself.
Aw, that was sweet. That's why I
call him Sweetie Pooks.
That's her cute little pet-name
That's more than cute, it's
I also have an excellent book on
alcohol abuse, if you're
Just a little joke we've been
going back and forth with.
Can we eat now?
Alright. Everybody pass the food
around in a clock-wise fashion.
KAYLA HANDS THE DISH TO HEIDI.
Ummm. Garden Goulash, my favorite.
HEIDI SERVES HERSELF THEN HANDS THE DISH TO VITO.
VITO DISHES OUT A VERY SMALL PORTION THEN HANDS THE DISH TO
I thought you said this was your
Well how dare you insult my wife.
Pile some more on your plate.
I'd hate to be a pig and eat too
Don't be shy with us, Sweetie
Pooks. Here you go.
RAYDELL DISHES MORE GOULASH ONTO VITO'S PLATE.
Eat as much as you like. Kayla
made a bunch of this stuff.
RAYDELL SERVES HIMSELF THEN HANDS THE DISH TO NADINE.
NADINE TAKES A GOOD LONG LOOK AT THE FOOD, EVEN SNIFFS IT.
It's okay, momma. You don't have
to eat it if you don't want to.
It's my fault. I should have told
you it was going to be a
vegetarian dinner before you got
I'll try it, just don't rush me.
Well, you've been "starffling at
it for the last five minutes.
Staffling? What's that?
Staring and sniffing.
I'm sorry, but this is kind of
weird, a meal with no meat?
Exactly what am I'm eating here?
It's a combination of noodles,
...Carrots and herbs.
That doesn't ease the pain one
NADINE SERVES HERSELF AND TAKES A BITE.
Hey, it's not bad.
Yes. As a matter of fact it's
Thanks Momma. See, you never know
until you try it.
RAYDELL FINALLY TAKES A BITE OF HIS FOOD, IT'S OBVIOUS HE
DOESN'T LIKE IT.
Do you have any bread to go with
It's in there.
In the Goulash.
VITO TAKES ANOTHER BITE.
Ah, now I taste it.
Whoops. Dropped my fork.
RAYDELL REACHES DOWN TO PICK UP THE FORK AS KAYLA SERVES
Can you pass me some more of that
KAYLA PASSES THE DISH TO NADINE. RICHARD DISHES OUT A LARGE
PORTION OF THE FOOD. KAYLA SMILES WITH PRIDE.
That's funny, I think I smell
Me too and it's making me
RAYDELL RAISES UP FROM GETTING HIS FORK OFF THE FLOOR.
Found my fork, but I don't smell
Probably coming from next door.
I'm just glad everyone is enjoying
themselves. Why don't you guys all
come over next week. I'm going to
cook Salmon Surprise. It's a
But I'm Baptist.
Pescetarian means fish is the only
meat used in the meal.
Yeah Vito, you didn't know that?
Well everybody eat up. I made
Whoops. Dropped my fork again.
Man, I'm all thumbs tonight.
RAYDELL BENDS DOWN UNDER THE TABLE. HE SPITS HIS GARDEN
GOULASH INTO A BAG AND BEGINS TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF THE
CHICKEN LEG HE'S BEEN HIDING.
What are you doing here under the
Trying to find my fork.
Your fork is in your right hand
and a chicken leg is in your left.
Hand it over.
INT. RAYDELL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (DAY 2)
RAYDELL AND KAYLA ARE JUST CLIMBING INTO BED.
I'm sorry about the chicken under
the table thing at dinner. I know
I embarrassed you.
Yes, but it's alright now. I
should have known you'd slip up at
So what are you saying? I'm weak?
I don't have any self control?
Yes. Besides, you've been eating
meat since you were three weeks
old, I shouldn't have expected you
to make such a drastic change all
of a sudden.
Right. You had a head start being
a semi-pro body builder for all
those years. This is probably a
piece of cake for you.
Yeah, you've got a point. Where'd
you get that chicken from anyway?
I'm pleading the sixth on that.
I'm tired to correct you. I'm
going to sleep.
How about a good-night kiss?
No. I don't want your greasy
chicken lips touching me. Now go
HE TURNS THE LAMPS OFF. THE ROOM IS DARK. SOON WE HEAR...
SFX: FAINT CRUNCHING NOISE.
Do you hear that?
THE CRUNCHING NOISE STOPS.
KAYLA TURNS THE LIGHTS ON
Oh that. I was just cracking my
toes, now will you please turn the
light out? I'm trying to sleep.
That was not toe-cracking, that
was food crunching. Spit it out,
Ray. Whatever it is, spit it out.
RAYDELL SPITS OUT THE FOOD.
Now go to sleep.
KAYLA TURNS THE LIGHT OUT. WE HEAR RAYDELL WHIMPERING LIKE
INT. BRAVES' GARAGE - AFTERNOON (DAY 3)
(RAYDELL, RICHARD, VITO)
RAYDELL IS BUSY SEARCHING THROUGH SOME OLD SHOES LAYING ON
THE FLOOR. VITO IS ON THE COUCH DRINKING A BEER.
Man, this is really hard. Kayla
got rid of all the meat in the
house. I'm going nuts.
Just tell her you're going nuts.
No, then she'll think I'm weak.
You are Ray, just like me. Why do
you think Heidi and I broke up?
You and the sun child broke up
I thought you were like two
organic peas in a pod.
She's nice and all, but I just
wasn't ready for a meatless
romance. I mean she was constantly
trying to ram her plant-based
meals down my throat. I just
couldn't take it anymore.
Yeah, you gotta be true to
yourself. Me on the other hand, am
married. Locked in.
RAYDELL TAKES A FEW SNIFFS.
Hey, I smell meat. Beef to be more
Yeah, I just had a steak for
You lucky dog. You're a free man
and a lucky dog.
Yeah, but I still miss Heidi. I
even dreamed about her last night.
You know what I dreamed about last
night? Beef. Poultry. Buffalo.
Reindeer. And not just when I
sleep, I fantasize about it in
broad daylight. Like I am right
So what are you doing with that
I've been trying to fight the
urge, the dreams, the temptations,
but it's just too strong. Inside
this work boot is an emergency
hamburger just in case I weaken.
Want a bite?
No, I already ate, remember?
Besides, I don't want athlete's
feet on my lips. But you go right
RAYDELL UNWRAPS THE BURGER.
It's cold, it's damp, but it's
still meat. Here it goes.
BEFORE RAYDELL CAN TAKE A BITE OUT OF THE HAMBURGER, THE
DOOR OPENS. KAYLA STICKS HER HEAD IN.
What are you two doing out here in
I was just...
Oh great, you're about to do some
Yes. That's why I'm holding the
Well start on the front lawn. And
make sure you don't get a heat
stroke out there. It's kind of
I'll be sure to take my purified
water with me. And don't worry,
Vito's going to help, since he's
got so much free time on his hands
KAYLA CLOSES THE DOOR.
So now I'm helping, huh?
Yep. Go ahead and grab those other
work books over there would ya?
You're scared of your wife, aren't
I'm not scared, but over-sized
biceps of any gender can be
It's okay, I'm afraid of her too.
INT. BRAVES' LIVING ROOM - EVENING (DAY 3)
RAYDELL SITS ON THE SOFA. HE SEEMS TO BE IN A TRANCE AS HE
WATCHES AN ANIMAL DOCUMENTARY ON TV.
NARRATOR ON TV (V.O.)
...We hope you enjoyed, our
special segment on wild gazelles.
(wipes the drool
from his lips)
Yes I did.
NARRATOR ON TV (V.O.)
But don't turn that channel,
because next up is the Northern
Bring 'em on, baby. Bring 'em on.
KAYLA ENTERS. RAYDELL IS STARTLED.
Hey. What you watching?
Oh. I was just watching a
little... wildlife... stuff.
What about the football game?
Oh yeah. The game.
What channel was that on?
You hungry? I thought we'd finish
off the rest of the Goulash
Yeah. About that Goulash...
SFX: PHONE RING
I'll get it.
KAYLA ANSWERS THE PHONE.
Hello?... Hey Vito... Yeah, he's
here. Just a sec.
(to Raydell) )
It's for you. It's Vito.
RAYDELL TAKES THE PHONE.
Yo, Vito, what's the word?... Me?
I'm, just watching the game. So
what's up?... Really?!
Wow, that sounds pretty bad. So
you can't walk at all?
Vito got bit in the butt by a Pit
What?... Wow, that's terrible.
KAYLA MAKES A GRIMACING FACE.
Well, you don't want infection to
set in, that's for sure... Yeah I
can pop over there for a little
while. Help you out. You need
anything from the store?... Pain
killers and beer? Okay, whatever
you need buddy.
RAYDELL HANGS UP.
Is he alright?
Not really. His ass is swollen up
so bad he can't even sit down.
Well can't his girlfriend help
Him and Heidi broke up, remember?
That's terrible. You want me to go
over there with you?
I mean... You don't want to go
over there. He can't even put his
Well don't stay too long.
RAYDELL GRABS HIS JACKET AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
Be back in two steaks-- I mean two
INT. VITO'S LIVING ROOM - DAY (DAY 3)
(RAYDELL, RICHARD, VITO)
SFX: TV SPORTS
VITO IS WATCHING SPORTS IN FRONT OF THE TV, WHILE EATING.
VITO ANSWERS THE DOOR. IT'S RAYDELL WITH A SIX PACK OF
BEER IN HAND.
Thanks for the call, Vito. I owe
you big time. Now where's the
Yes you do. It's on the table.
RAYDELL HURRIES TOWARDS THE FOOD.
(to the steak)
Oh you smell good, and you look so
lean, delicious and succulent.
RAYDELL GRABS THE STEAK OFF OF THE PLATE.
Be careful, it's--
RAYDELL TAKES A BITE.
Hot! I think I just singed the
taste buds off my tongue.
Why don't you sit down and have a
beer. Cool off those smoldering
No, I'll just eat through it.
You know, maybe this is a sign.
A sign? What are you talking
Maybe you shouldn't be sneaking
around behind your wife's back
You're the one who started all
this when you gave Kayla that
stupid book, remember?
So now it's my fault for trying to
No. It's my fault for being so...
large. This stupid garden diet is
her way of saying, "Raydell, lose
some weight." I'm not sure if
Kayla even loves me anymore.
Don't be silly. Weren't you sort
of heavy when you got married?
That was a bit hurtful.
I didn't mean it like that. I mean
she married you because she loved
you. And I'm sure she still does.
Why would she want to change you
all of a sudden?
I don't know. Maybe she's tired of
looking at my big extra-wide
So what are you going to do?
I'm not sure yet, either I'm going
to give this health diet another
chance or I'm going to tell Kayla
I'm mad as hell and I'm not going
to take it anymore!
INT. RAYDELL' BEDROOM - NIGHT (NIGHT 2?)
RAYDELL AND KAYLA ARE GETTING READY FOR BED.
So how's Vito doing?
That's good. That was real nice of
you to go over there and help him
out. Well he did help me with the
So Kayla, you still love me?
Of course I do. Why you asking me
I just feel a little self
conscious now that you've got me
on this meatless diet.
All I ask is that you give it a
chance. You're doing pretty good
To tell you the truth, I asked
Vito call me earlier.
So he's okay?
Yes, his ass is just fine. But he
didn't lie, I did. He had steak at
his house and I wanted it. But I
didn't eat it, Kayla. I had to
prove to myself I had willpower.
I'm really proud of you Ray.
Thanks for trying this for me.
KAYLA KISSES HIM.
Good night. I'm going to sleep.
I'm not really sleepy yet. So I'm
just going to read.
RAYDELL GRABS THE VEGETARIAN BOOK.
Wait a minute. What are you doing
with my book?
I'm going to read it. Time for me
to start taking this diet thing a
little more seriously.
Come on Raydell, you know I can't
sleep with that light on.
You believe in me, now I have to
start believing in myself.
But not right now. Give me the
KAYLA GRABS THE BOOK BUT RAYDELL HOLDS ON.
I'll read it under the covers with
a flashlight. Now please let go.
PULLING THE BOOK.
Maybe I don't want you reading my
book. So you let go.
PULLING THE BOOK.
I'll just look at the pictures
then. So please let go, Kayla.
PULLING THE BOOK.
Get your own book!
THE BOOK OPENS AND A TURKEY LEG DROPS FROM THE CUT OUT
PAGES. KAYLA GIVES A MEEK-LOOKING SMILE.
Whoa, where'd that chicken leg
I... I... I--
I've got to hand it to you, baby,
hiding a chicken leg in a cut out
book is pretty darn creative.
Well I did air fry it, so... As
you can see, the chicken nor the
pages are greasy.
You've got a point.
THEY BOTH LAUGH.
Sure, why not.
THEY BOTH CAN BE HEARD DEVOURING THE CHICKEN.
Hey, I've got some hot sauce in
that sci-fi book over there.
END OF SHOW